Lately, I've been apologizing a lot. I feel I've lost my footing and am so unsure of every word I say, that even after the most casual conversation, I want to go back and apologize. Apologize for interfering, imposing, judging, correcting, opining, being. I want to erase everything and go back in time to a past that I can't remember any more. Despite this, I can't stop saying the things I know I will want to take back. I can't stop comments I will want to explain, and explanations that I will want to put in context.
Just last night, I had a conversation with a friend which in hindsight was so inappropriate and judgmental--what was I thinking? I barely got one friend back due to my judgmental comments and now this. I spent the better part of my day wondering, do I apologize? Do I pretend it never happened and hope he didn't notice? Do I count of the fact that no one listens to anything I say most of the times?
Despite always being self-conscience, I was like this only one other time years ago--doubting every word and thought. I didn't like it then, I do not like it now. The worst part is, I can't stop any part of it.