Friday, April 27, 2007

So many thoughts, so little time

It's Friday night and I'm waiting for M to come home so we can go to dinner. Mmmm, sushi.

I have so many thoughts that I want to write about and post. Considering how much time I have spent thinking of my blog, you'd think I'd be prepared with a theme and direction. You'd be wrong; I chalk that up to the fact that you may not know me all that well. There are some things you should know about me for future reference.

I'm ridiculously indecisive. M literally refused to go to Baskin-Robbins with me for almost two years after an especially long trip there. We are barely recovering from that episode, and I fear he will one day suggest a quick trip to Cold Stone. That may end our ice cream adventures forever.

I have been known to procrastinate. Some would even call me a procrastinator. While it may be hard for some to believe, I really am capable of focusing better when I know I have a short amount of time. I don't think this is an especially good trait, but it is an unfortunate fact. It is not easy writing 20 something pages of coherent, collected thoughts on a business proposal two nights before the deadline. I have done it though, with good results.

I'm impatient. I have prayed for patience, and still cannot wait for any period of time. I panic and feel anxious when things take longer than I anticipated. Combine this charming trait with my inability to quickly decide and/or my tendency to procrastinate, and you will have an idea of the hell that I create for myself sometimes. Ok, a lot of the times.

I have thoughts. Lots and lots of thoughts. Garbled, mangled, well thought out as well as fleeting. They keep me up at night, haunt me in my sleep and ultimately impose themselves on unsuspecting audiences. I'm proud of some of them, not so impressed with some others. I don't think many of them have caused me shame (yet) and I do shame easily.

My greatest fear is that I will not matter. Not necessarily in a "No body loves me" kind of way-- which is part of it--but in a significant and meaningful way. If I don't wake up one day, what have I contributed to this world? What has my life been about? What will be remembered of me? I want to be more than someone who rearranges and shuffles stuff; I want to leave something behind.

There's plenty more, but it will come later. The appearance of this space will probably change. I know I won't stick to any particular topic or theme (sorry), but will try to write something as often as possible. Comment, I love knowing what people think.

(Hey, why wouldn't people love me?)

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