Sunday, October 5, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear Governor Palin,

May Can I call you Sarah? I have been following your unexpected rise to the national scene and I have to say it has left me in a rage breathless. I'm not sure how you sustain the energy to tour the country with your family and the First Dude, read everything that crosses your desk (although, admittedly, Starbucks cups don't take too long to read) and speak to your hundreds of adoring fans. And while I am not personally your biggest fan, I realized that facing the possibility of eternal damnation or supporting you, I could offer some humble advice and thoughts.

Geography matters: While I too, hated geography most of my life, I had a pretty decent idea of the countries that shared borders with the countries I lived in. In your case, geography will come in extra handy should you God forbid become Vice President. It will help you bomb countries more effectively and locate the 'heart' land where Joe Six Pack hangs out. For example, Afghanistan is not one of our neighbors. It is far, far away from us. We share borders with only two countries: Canada and Mexico. Russia is not one of those two countries. If Putin rears his head, he will probably see Afghanistan before he sees Alaska. I'm sorry to say you may be taking geography tips from Caitlin. Don't. As much as we hate support you, it is painful for all of us to watch you make a fool of yourself and your audience.

Stop Winking: I must admit that I am neither a fan of beauty pageants nor Hooters waitresses. But that is not why I am asking you to stop winking at the camera during Vice Presidential appearances. I say this for America. One day you may find yourself across the table from a head of state--God forbid. Maybe even with Dmitry Medvedev (the actual president of Russia). He will laugh at you. They'll all laugh at you--and us for somehow being stupid enough to elect a person who cannot conduct herself in a professional manner. Plus, I don't think it's appropriate for a Christian, married lady such as yourself to flirt with the camera. People may get the wrong idea and mistake you for a cheap hussy. Or worse yet, they will think you're leading them on and demand you flash more skin. Again, we will all be embarrassed. Learn from Margaret Thatcher. I did not agree with her politics, but that woman exuded strength and nary a wink at the camera.

Pretend to care: If you want to be the kind of Vice President you claim to admire, grabbing for more and more executive powers than your predecessor, learn the laws before you break them. If someone asks you about Supreme Court decisions that you agree or disagree with, you should know of a couple of them, even if you don't know them by name. I know a few myself and I haven't even been asked to be Vice President of anything. The Lilly Ledbetter case will help you appeal to all those hockey moms that are getting screwed at work and get paid less that Joe Six Pack. Or when the Supreme Court struck down the DC gun ban. You'd LOVE that decision. Other decisions you can throw out there are Hustler v. Falwell (watch the movie) or Marshall v. Marshall (otherwise known as the Anna Nicole Smith goes to DC case, reported in People magazine).

Don't get annoyed when the press asks you questions: In these United States of America, there is a thing called the Bill of Rights. The First Amendment guarantees the freedom of the press, to hold our government accountable. Lucky for you, they hardly ever exercise that right. But when they do, you shouldn't be 'annoyed'. It is actually not a 'privilege' that they are abusing, but their job. Again, you're lucky you got Katie Couric--known as the cute and cuddly news reader. You could have gotten someone like Andrew Sullivan, who like you, has a funny accent. Unlike you, he's an elitist and holds government accountable.

Learn English: It is technically not a foreign language to you. Sentences are you friend. 'Maverck', 'America', 'our United States of America', 'American' and 'our great nation' need a few verbs and concepts to connect them and not sound like fillers for words that you have forgotten or can't pronounce. I realize you're a Maverick, but if you don't learn to speak, you will be called George Bush with boobs and an eye twitch. That's not change we can believe in.

Get over high school: Your mean girl routine is getting tired. Seriously. I realize that the only times that people cheer you is when you do your pit bull schtick, but they're the lowest common denominator of this country and are calling you a bitch. They're the one's who never got over high school and are mentally and emotionally stunted. Surely, you've moved passed your shortcomings and can offer more intelligent criticism of your opponent that mocking his service to his community.

Knowledge is desirable: Just as you don't want a high school student with a scalpel and experience dissecting frogs to deliver your children (or grandchildren), we don't want someone who doesn't know the first thing about the office of vice presidency, the Bush doctrine, her running mate's policy goals or world events. This is no time to take pictures with Henry Kissenger and pretend like you know the first thing about anything. Those elitists you're mocking will know how to save this country while you wrinkle your nose and and ask if you can be dismissed from class. You don't have to be their best friends, just shut the fuck up and stop acting as if ignorance is a virtue.

Ok, so I realize that I am beginning to sound harsh, but as I am writing this letter to you, I realize that out of love and respect for this country, I cannot support you in any way. I also realize that no matter who you misquote (and really, did you admit to getting your folksy wisdom off of a Starbucks cup?) I'd rather spend eternity in hell than support someone who will endanger the future of this country and the world with her willful ignorance. As a dull man once said, "There's an old saying in Alaska Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Alaska Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."

Sincerely not yours,


1 comment:

John said...

i think the sarah palin gimmick has run its course! i appreciate that mccain tried to do something different by choosing her but now that i see what sarah is all about, i'm guessing that he is regretting his decision. if big john gets elected, i see her as a bit player in his administration....

Obama in '08!