Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Hair Tip of the Day

Beer is a beverage, not a styling agent.

If you live in a country barely recovering from war and sanctions, it may make sense to find natural alternatives to beauty products. For example, fresh cucumber skins left over from your salad actually make a pretty decent facial mask. However, looking for non-alcoholic beer which is in short supply (because people are trying to make alcoholic beer with it) to use as hair spray is not the greatest idea. First of all, it doesn't work that well. Second of all, it smells funny. Third, it is easier finding overpriced, imported hairspray. And finally, if your mother manages to somehow style your hair with it, DO NOT think you can ever replicate the results.

Now while it may seem silly to use non-alcoholic beer as a hairspray and/or gel substitute in a bind; it is insane to do so on a regular Saturday, when you're sitting in your dorm room, wondering how you can make your hair look good for the party later in the evening. Why is it insane? First, you live in a dorm, where alcohol is prohibited. Not that that has stopped anyone else from bringing it in, but the rule does exist none the less. Then there is the problem of obtaining beer when you're under 21 and don't have a car. It is amazing how many people will stare at you in disbelief when you swear you don't want to drink beer, but spray it in your hair. Go ahead, try and convince people that not only do you not consume alcohol, but that you are trying to recreate a hairstyle from a few years back. I promise the damage to your reputation will take years to repair. Of course, once you find a person willing to share their beer with you, it will come at a price--they will want to actually watch you in your full, mad glory. Which is fair, just awkward and time consuming. Very, very time consuming. The good news is, when you eventually make it out the door with your beer-styled hair and new dress, half the dorm will cheer you on and make you promise to tell them how the night goes. You have an audience waiting for you!

Once you leave the dorm with your 'unique' hairstyle, you may realize that people are looking at you with confusion. After all, how many times to do you expect to encounter a cleanly dressed young woman on a college campus, smelling of beer and perfume walking along sober as daylight? Those looks are not of admiration for your sense of style. People will continue to notice you: at the party, at the BBQ line and finally when you sit down to eat. Just be prepared to answer the question, "Do you smell beer?", every five minutes or so. Brace yourself for the hysterical laughter that follows your answer, and do not feel obligated to help anyone back in their chair if they fall over. Their mothers should have taught them some manners.

(Sidebar: Gentlemen, I must say that for all your claims of loving beer, you're very picky. Apparently, you have something against people who smell like beer, even if you try to drown yourselves in the damn stuff. I mean, I've never been fond of the smell of beer, which is why I hear it is a good idea to mask the smell with a nice, feminine perfume.)

In conclusion, beer is better as a beverage than a styling product. It is not worth the trouble, especially if there is enough hairspray in your building to burn a hole in the ozone.


TK said...

Wow. I'm now officially fascinated by your hair, though I've never seen it.

And yes, smelling like beer is weird, even though I drink it by the bucket. Look at it this way: I love the smell of bacon, but I don't want my wife to start wearing it as a perfume.

Anonymous said...

funny...and yes, beer and coke, I've heard from my mom were the solutions to uncooperative hair in late 60's